What's In A Name?

I actually got a lot of flak for that last entry about my flying...a lot of "Oh you're so unsafe" and "Oh I'm flying AirAsia". Isn't that lovely. I know most of it is tongue-in-cheek but you know what? I've been in the airlines for 3 years plus now and it wasn't funny the first time I heard it and--this may come as a big surprise to you--IT'S STILL NOT FUNNY NOW. It was actually just a test, to see whom among my loyal friends deserves a free plane ticket...you all lose except sweet Kitty. He gets a free ticket home from London! Oh wait he's getting that anyway...

Actually, I do have really scary stories to tell about my personal flying experiences--things that made my balls retract into my body and burrow its way up to my mouth--literally sucking my own balls in fright. No mean feat, I can assure you.

But of course I won't relate that here. I may be an aspiring blonde, but nowhere stupid enough to get myself fired over some blog--Heather Armstrong (who IS blonde) got the sack for doing just that, even though her blog www.dooce.com is now one of the world's most popular (it won a 2005 Bloggie Award). The adulation of the hoi polloi is good, but it won't pay for my Tiffany's.

I will however talk about an incident that happened not too long after I joined the airlines. You know how we have to make in-flight announcements? Well we actually do have a rough format to follow, and once you've done it everyday for like a million times it just becomes rote. You merely fill in the blanks such as landing time, height, speed, etc. And of course I will mention my name and the captain's name. Obviously, as he's going to be my partner for the next few hours or days, I have to kind of remember the Captain's name.
 
Here's how I learned why it's important to know his name.

Halfway through my announcement, right when I get to the part where I say "...and flying with us today is Captain...uh...Captain..." I realise with bowel-loosening horror I've totally forgotten his name. I have nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Apa pun tadak. I look to him desperately seeing if he's monitoring my P.A. No, he's not thank god. I scan for his name tag but of course it's obscured by the clipboard he's holding. Ah! There's always the flight plan! His name's on the flight plan. The flight plan is THERE! On...my...clipboard...he's holding...no...GOD...NO!

By this time anyone who was listening would surely have figured out that I've forgotten the captain's name. I had to think fast, and desperately.

So I went "...and flying today is Captain (unintelligible but plausibly Malay name) and we're flying at..." and smoothly continued on to finish the announcement like nothing had happened. I figured nobody really listens to the announcements anyway so I just made a vaguely Malay-sounding noise (DON'T ask me what it was, I can't remember). I had absolutely NO clue what the fuck his name was. I didn't know if he was a Mohamed from a Zakaria or what.

So I finished the announcement and waited a bit for any reaction, from either a giggling stewardess or some irate passenger. When none came forth, I breathed a sigh of relief, and mentally patting myself on the back, I launched into the Bahasa version of the announcement.

"...dan bersama saya adalah Kapten...er..."

Yup. I STILL didn't know his name, even when I had the opportunity to find out. I wanted to fling myself out of the aircraft there and then. But of course, I was already an old hand at this, so out came the old unintelligible but plausibly Malay name. Just for the sake of consistency of course.

The best part is, the stewardess is supposed to report to us after the announcement.

"First Officer, your announcement was LOUD AND CLEAR".

I wonder if I do this on every flight, how long before they'd catch on to me.